Maturity At Its Best

I have been here for long - since 2009. But prior to blogspot domain, I had my blogging posts parked in 'Friendster' for years (gosh, do YOU even know about this vintage social media's name? Well now it is called Facebook!). 

Then, when Friendster was diminished and changed to Facebook, their blogging platforms got deactivated and my posts could not be recalled or archived at all. My silly mistake was not being bothered enough to transfer all those posts into another domain during that closing period. 

As far as I could remember, my posts in that platform were a lot more lively, and full of travelling experience. Zaman mula study dekat UK. Zaman torrent Jwg network paling upscale dengan pantas - semua rasa macam satu family. Zaman aku gila jadi online DJ dekat Jwg torrent site. Zaman penuh kerasukan ablasa. Hahahaha tenat. Masa tu aku sezaman dengan Cik Epal dan Keknis - they were the kings/queens of bloggers and we were quite the 'in-network', tapi rajin hi-bye je la kat posts comments or blogsite chatbox masing-masing. 

When I put this blog into hiatus in 2022, all those statistics showed that there was quite a number of unique visitors coming into this blog of mine, viewing my old posts. This trend slowed down after the hiatus. 

Anybody looking for me? Eceh. Perasan. But honestly, if YOU are reading this, and if YOU were the one(s) coming here looking for my updates every now and then, this is for you. 

 ---- How are you? How is life treating you? Tough? Smooth sailing? Rollercoaster-ing? 

Well, maybe we are on the same boat. Life isnt getting any easier. But I get better in dealing with the 'not easier(s)'.

Tonight, is malam ke 22 Ramadhan. Tiba-tiba I had this urge to read quickly through the old pages, dated from 2009.

Funny how I could see my posts 'maturing'. Being more vulnerable and honest to my own feelings. Tho becoming less articulating and less active in publishing, I saw myself being more accepting. The old me sounded so frank, but there were untold hollows, sounded fun but werent as exposed. 

Lah kelakar. Segmen meng-skodeng abang bomba di Leicester tetap terpahat dalam hati. Hobi di kala sunyi, sayup melontar sepi pandangan kat tepi tingkap condo. Eh, tah-apa-apa.

But anyhu, I hope you are doing good too. Not great, but good, is good enough. Geddit? 😅 

I guess people in this era have move away from blogging. They choose X, Instagram, Thread, FB etc etc over this more lengthy style of writing. 

Nampak tak, sebenarnya manusia dah semakin malas membaca? That is from my POV. Zaman ni, kalau boleh, readers nak semua in bullet points je. No more such artsy side of explaining and enganging with readers. No more fancy vocabs yang enak dibaca, sambil difahami.

People wants simpler methods, yet life is getting more complex than ever.

But hey, you do you. Whatever suits you, hoomans.

I think I am liking this come back slowly. Letting me ease my head's noise once in a while. 

So, hello kembali. I am back. Nah bunga 💐

~ hujan lebat, selebat 'patah perkataan' yang aku tuliskan ~

Seculit Tanah

40 of age, indefinite sins, countless blessings.

Tetapi begitulah. Manusia. Oftenly, kita sibuk menangisi kesedihan, terbawa-bawa duka dunia. Sedangkan dunia ini memang bukannya tempat bersenang lenang. Entah apa lagi yang kita cari. Sebenarnya kita ni mudah kufur nikmat - lupa membanding diri dengan insan yang lebih susah daripada kita.

We got roof over our head, clothes snuggling nicely, food that is enough to kill hunger, cukup sifat di badan, cukup sihat luar dalaman, apa lagi? 

Nikmat Allah yang manakah lagi yang nak kita dustakan?

Apa lah sangat nak dicerita sedih kita putus cinta, berbanding sedihnya perasaan ibu bapa yang kehilangan anak yang dah 9 bulan dalam kandungan. 

Apa lah sangat nak dijaja duka kita tak mampu bercuti merentas dunia, berbanding mereka yang lahir tak punya kaki yang sempurna.

Kenapa tidak dibanding diri seadil kadarnya orang di sekeliling? Yes, because each of us is greedy. Kita nak merasa cukup semua.

We are searching for almost a perfection, yet deep down we know we are nothing more than just a simple creation that owns nothing - not even a single strand of hair, even not a unit of cell, is ours to begin with.

~ kita hanya seculit tanah ~

Dealing With Healing

Nobody ever say that healing is easy. It is not a one off journey. 

This pattern of emotional recovery is perhaps similar to a chronic pain spectrum.

We are bound to go to and fro relapses and remissions, visiting old wound or pain, then drying it off temporarily until a point where we can bear with the background threshold of discomfort, in order to sustain a good-enough maintenance of daily activities.

The same applies to healing from a broken relationship. Human relationship, to be exact.

There are days that we believe that things happen for the better. Some days we whine because we know we do not deserve to be hurt like that. But to err is human. 

We swallow the hardship on good days. But nonetheles, when life seems like shit, we can only indulge the darkness of past memories.

Maybe, we dont actually miss the person that had left us. We miss the good times that made us smile. The potentials, the fantasies and the future projections, are embedded by our own hope, our own dreams, not solely because of that temporary individual.

Again, maybe, we need to remind ourselves - do we not recall the time we suffered emotionally, when they refused to be accountable of the misery they caused us? Do we forget how painful it was to wait for uncertainties? Do we not remember how they could simply turned away just to avoid vulnerability?

If they dare to do so upon us, leaving us in the lowest pitfalls intentionally, do we still think that such person deserves the slightest unconditional love from us?

Love doesnt need to be begged. 

Love is supposed to be built and embraced together by two different souls that share similar principles, beliefs and efforts. Two souls that is willing to meet halfways on difficult differences, yet agree to disagree respectfully on certain matters.

Such, is love. 

Remeber, love doesnt need to be begged.

~ one step at a time ~

Today

Today feels dark

Despite all the light

Today feels lost

Despite all the new find

Today feels hollow

Despite all the full heart

Today is just another day

Where I am revisiting the square 1

Another struggle to remain strong

Another struggle to remain forgiving

Today feels heavy

Because I miss seeing myself hopeful

I miss seeing myself witty

I miss seeing myself happy

This too, shall pass

This is just another day

Just today

I promise

~ healing ~

The Mediocrity

Something worthy to read.

To remind ourselves, we are all worthy - way beyond our own expectations. 

Lets just take one step at a time.

To all the quiet hustlers, this is for us.

+++++++++

I am just an average. I’m not the most talented, the most successful, or the most remarkable person in any room. I exist in the quiet middle ground where expectations are neither sky-high nor rock-bottom. My achievements are modest, and my flaws, though not extraordinary, are plenty. Yet, there is a certain comfort in this place, a peacefulness in knowing that I don’t have to be exceptional to matter. I can find contentment in the simple routines of daily life, in small victories and setbacks that don’t define me but shape me. To be average is to be free from the pressure of perfection, a reminder that there is dignity in the everyday.

In a world that glorifies extremes, there’s a quiet strength in embracing the middle. Being average doesn't mean being invisible or uninvolved—it means I am part of the crowd, experiencing life without the need for recognition. I don’t have to live for accolades or chase the highest peaks to feel fulfilled. There’s joy in mediocrity, in knowing that I’m just one person among many, contributing in my own way. The average existence is not a failure; it’s simply a reminder that life, at its core, is about living authentically, without needing to stand out or constantly strive for more. And perhaps, in embracing this truth, I’ve found my own version of success.

— Balt

~ embrace this mediocrity ~

2025 I Am Back

Assalammualaikum..

It has been a while. To a point that I forget the purpose of me writing. 

It soothes my inner voice. Calming down the loud silence in me.

So here I am, coming back, for myself.

2023-2024 - its ups and downs were just too significant. Subhanallah for all the tests and Alhamdulillah for His mercy allowing me to get through it.

2025 - this year it is about me. Growing positively. Mentally and physically healthier, inshaAllah. Running my 3-5km almost daily. Aiming for 10km by the end of the year, inshaAllah.

++++++++++

Kadang dalam kuning di ufuk senja, datang rasa tiba-tiba sayup. Entah. Bukan kosong. Tapi tenang. 

Kadang timbul rasa risau.

Inikah ketenangan? Inikah sebenar aman yang dicari selama ini? Terlalu sayup di celah bingit. Namun tenang.

Untuk jiwa-jiwa yang pernah hadir sengaja melukai, aku perlahan-lahan cuba memaafkan. Atas izin Allah, biarlah segala rasa yang pernah ada itu terus hilang tanpa memori.

Bukan dendam, bukan amarah, bukan kecewa.

Tapi sedar, dunia ini bukan tempat untuk berbahagia dan bersenang lenang cuma.

Dalam jujur kita, ada manusia berniat dusta. 

Dalam ikhlas kita, ada manusia bermain rasa.

Bukankah Allah dah janjikan, dunia ini cuma sekadar persinggahan?

Cukuplah.

Biarlah dahaga rasa yang ada, kini cuma pada Dia.

Berbekalkan usia 4 dekad, aku rasa aku dah cukup merasa - tinggi rendah segala perihal yang patut ada.

Berkumpul berbakul-bakul dosa. 

Entah banyak mana sahaja pahala yang ada. 

Cukuplah.

Sekarang hanya untuk Dia.

~ hasbunallah wani'mal wakeel ~

::: 2022 and its near end

It is near the end of 2022. 

It really goes by at a blink of an eye.

This year started with hope - loadssss of it. And I thought this year will end with a stronger vibe.

But I was wrong. Mehhhhh.

Tests and challenges are in fact signs of Allah's reminder as well as blessings.

Nothing good comes easy, I believe.

Allah made a person, K, came into my life - but it was short lived.

Promises were broken, memories were dark.

But I am gonna look at this from a positive perspective.

I know I do not lose anything. 

I am on the winning end - big win.

He came at a good time, really.  And I thought I was ready. Yet no, I was actually never ready.

Again, I know now that it was a test from Him the al-Mighty.

To remind me that I should always rely on Him.

- during the goods and the bads, the ups and the downs.

La hawla wala quwwata illa billah...

I may have no shoulder to cry on sometimes, but I always have a ground to put my head and shed my tears on.

Because only Allah is the ultimate Listener.

May the end of 2022, marks a good start of the upcoming years. I am all ready.

Embarking a new journey of freedom and self-love - inshaAllah.

| May Allah removes this testing sorrow from me |