Not Belonged

There is always beauty in feeling not belonged

I am always searching for home

Whoever or wherever that made me at peace

Is my home

Thats is where I will always feel belonged

For now, I am not settled

I dont feel belonged - just yet

I am here

Here

~ :) ~

Fighting The Blues

Thursday, I was terribly moody. I slept from 6.45pm till the next day 7am. Forced myself to stay in bed. Forced myself to switch the brain off, eliminating most of the negative frequencies. Mumbled my zikr continuously, asking for His forgiveness cause I knew only Him can ease the discomfort and ache that the soul was experiencing the whole day and night.

Woke up on Friday feeling fatigue but somehow satisfied after the turbulent night. Pushed myself for a 7km walk after work, just to enjoy some sightseeing of the city at the beginning of a weekend. Everywhere was crowded. But I feel at peace at my own thought and pace amongst the bustling crowd. Alhamdulillah.

Im glad I took the courage to complete that 7km.. But surely, because Allah allowed so.

Hit the hospital early this morning for a draggy 24 hours shift. Berbekalkan spanish latte, I felt all smile and positive. InshaAllah.

~ taking a sharp turn ~

Monza The Temple of Speed

Last weekend was superb! From qualifying to race, Mega Max made it so memorable this year. After no podium since ?Imola, Monza is full redemption for Max. But hearing the tifosi singing loudly for Max on podium was giving goosebumpsssss.

Fastest qualifying lap, fastest race. Max to win this year's driver championship is extremely difficult for sure. But he surely is making more histories for himself.

Ahhh Im beyond happy the whole weekend. Malam yang tidak sia-sia hehehehe

~ some freaks are extremely just adding noise to my quiet life, urghhh ~

Narcissist

Day in day out. Same shits different days.

I think I have been distracted quite much lately. Too focussing on others that bring no add on benefits into my previously peaceful life. Too much nonsense.

Sigh. I admit to my own mistakes - being too kind and optimist on people, expecting everybody would have the similar vibe in them. But no! Definitely, not everyone knows how to be kind. Many are deceitful, manipulative and egocentric. Several are true narcissists. This time, I met someone with such strong narcissistic values. And it was tormenting. And fucking dreadful.

There is clearly nothing can be done about any narcissists. They cant be helped at all. We can only run, as far as we can, away from this type of assholes. Save our own ass before they bring ultimate misery into our lives.

I cant even wish them well, to be honest. I hope they stay miserable by themselves because clearly, they are just inhumane.

~ disgusted ~

Time Lost

I was at work and scrolling through "memories" section in facebook.

There they were, many albums of my nephews and niece, over the past many years.

I miss cuddling each of them. I miss their smells when they were little. I miss kissing their cheeks at anytime they get closer to me. I miss hugging them tenderly while they enjoy babbling languages that I couldnt understood. I just miss them being so little.

And then, it hit me hard.

This is how bad my parents must be missing me too. The little me. The innocent me. The chatty me. The fun me. The cute me. 

The me thats missing my little nephews and niece were both happy and sad. My heart feels heavy.

This is how my parents are feeling too. This heavy heart. This exact same emotions.

May Allah rewards rewards my parents with the highest of Jannah.

~ life cycle ~

Kocong not Kucing

 

Kenapa awak ni comel sangat ni. Midlife crisis ke sayang? "Im not Kucing. Im Kocong" hahahahaha cuteeeeee cat!!!!!

~ i wish im not scared of cat ~

Relentless

It has been slightly over 2 weeks of me not visiting here. Im not sure why. Maybe coz I have a better distraction? Or maybe coz I am at a better state? Or am I at my worst phase?

I cant be sure myself. But here I am. Thinking what to write while the mind feels suffocated.

You know what, Im done.

~ resenting? ~

Hari Ini Penuh Emosi

Sepertinya masa mengengsot terlalu perlahan. Lebih perlahan daripada sedetik detik, ketika dada terbeban berat menahan rasa ketidakpastian.

Ada apa dengan semua rasa keterlambatan ini? Kenapa hari ini berbondong-bondong muncul segala yang kurang enak di jiwa di kepala?

Masa yang panjang ini terlalu padat dengan istilah alangkah.

Berlawan dengan kosa kata kalaulah.

Seolahnya segala jisim diri memberontak tidak sabar menemui dinihari. Namun, kegelapan, kesunyian jua yang sebenarnya damai di sanubari yang sedang di acah teka teki.

Sungguh, secebis kemusnahan rasa percaya bisa mengoyakkan seluruh kudrat yang susah payah dibina semula. 

Mengapa tidak hari ini berlalu sepantas hilangnya kepercayaan yang pernah ada?

~ dunia 😔 ~

Redbull, Christian and Max

What a shocking news it was last night. To be frank, since Horner's last text scandal, dropping RB overall performance in constructor championship plus mutiple second drivers swapping, I guess some did anticipate it to happen quite eventually, no? 

After 6 constructors championships, maybe, now the best is to make some changes and hoping for new redirection. 

Sometimes change is heartbreaking, but we cant always be static and expect the same results to be produced without at least a little bit of sacrifice.

Or, as a matter of fact, is this another way for RB to persuade Max to stay with them? With all these rumours saying Toto is pursuing Max actively, I guess it is a pretty fair move too...

Jos is happy, possibly... 😂

Kan best if Adrian bersama Max kembali. Eceh. Acah tahu.

3 weeks and Spa will be next!

~ 2026 will be interesting ~ 

Low Key

Low key missing you

Wait

I dont miss you

Because you never truly exist

I just miss myself

Myself before you

~ 💔 ~