Fighting The Blues

Thursday, I was terribly moody. I slept from 6.45pm till the next day 7am. Forced myself to stay in bed. Forced myself to switch the brain off, eliminating most of the negative frequencies. Mumbled my zikr continuously, asking for His forgiveness cause I knew only Him can ease the discomfort and ache that the soul was experiencing the whole day and night.

Woke up on Friday feeling fatigue but somehow satisfied after the turbulent night. Pushed myself for a 7km walk after work, just to enjoy some sightseeing of the city at the beginning of a weekend. Everywhere was crowded. But I feel at peace at my own thought and pace amongst the bustling crowd. Alhamdulillah.

Im glad I took the courage to complete that 7km.. But surely, because Allah allowed so.

Hit the hospital early this morning for a draggy 24 hours shift. Berbekalkan spanish latte, I felt all smile and positive. InshaAllah.

~ taking a sharp turn ~

Monza The Temple of Speed

Last weekend was superb! From qualifying to race, Mega Max made it so memorable this year. After no podium since ?Imola, Monza is full redemption for Max. But hearing the tifosi singing loudly for Max on podium was giving goosebumpsssss.

Fastest qualifying lap, fastest race. Max to win this year's driver championship is extremely difficult for sure. But he surely is making more histories for himself.

Ahhh Im beyond happy the whole weekend. Malam yang tidak sia-sia hehehehe

~ some freaks are extremely just adding noise to my quiet life, urghhh ~

Narcissist

Day in day out. Same shits different days.

I think I have been distracted quite much lately. Too focussing on others that bring no add on benefits into my previously peaceful life. Too much nonsense.

Sigh. I admit to my own mistakes - being too kind and optimist on people, expecting everybody would have the similar vibe in them. But no! Definitely, not everyone knows how to be kind. Many are deceitful, manipulative and egocentric. Several are true narcissists. This time, I met someone with such strong narcissistic values. And it was tormenting. And fucking dreadful.

There is clearly nothing can be done about any narcissists. They cant be helped at all. We can only run, as far as we can, away from this type of assholes. Save our own ass before they bring ultimate misery into our lives.

I cant even wish them well, to be honest. I hope they stay miserable by themselves because clearly, they are just inhumane.

~ disgusted ~

Time Lost

I was at work and scrolling through "memories" section in facebook.

There they were, many albums of my nephews and niece, over the past many years.

I miss cuddling each of them. I miss their smells when they were little. I miss kissing their cheeks at anytime they get closer to me. I miss hugging them tenderly while they enjoy babbling languages that I couldnt understood. I just miss them being so little.

And then, it hit me hard.

This is how bad my parents must be missing me too. The little me. The innocent me. The chatty me. The fun me. The cute me. 

The me thats missing my little nephews and niece were both happy and sad. My heart feels heavy.

This is how my parents are feeling too. This heavy heart. This exact same emotions.

May Allah rewards rewards my parents with the highest of Jannah.

~ life cycle ~

Kocong not Kucing

 

Kenapa awak ni comel sangat ni. Midlife crisis ke sayang? "Im not Kucing. Im Kocong" hahahahaha cuteeeeee cat!!!!!

~ i wish im not scared of cat ~

Relentless

It has been slightly over 2 weeks of me not visiting here. Im not sure why. Maybe coz I have a better distraction? Or maybe coz I am at a better state? Or am I at my worst phase?

I cant be sure myself. But here I am. Thinking what to write while the mind feels suffocated.

You know what, Im done.

~ resenting? ~

Hari Ini Penuh Emosi

Sepertinya masa mengengsot terlalu perlahan. Lebih perlahan daripada sedetik detik, ketika dada terbeban berat menahan rasa ketidakpastian.

Ada apa dengan semua rasa keterlambatan ini? Kenapa hari ini berbondong-bondong muncul segala yang kurang enak di jiwa di kepala?

Masa yang panjang ini terlalu padat dengan istilah alangkah.

Berlawan dengan kosa kata kalaulah.

Seolahnya segala jisim diri memberontak tidak sabar menemui dinihari. Namun, kegelapan, kesunyian jua yang sebenarnya damai di sanubari yang sedang di acah teka teki.

Sungguh, secebis kemusnahan rasa percaya bisa mengoyakkan seluruh kudrat yang susah payah dibina semula. 

Mengapa tidak hari ini berlalu sepantas hilangnya kepercayaan yang pernah ada?

~ dunia 😔 ~

Redbull, Christian and Max

What a shocking news it was last night. To be frank, since Horner's last text scandal, dropping RB overall performance in constructor championship plus mutiple second drivers swapping, I guess some did anticipate it to happen quite eventually, no? 

After 6 constructors championships, maybe, now the best is to make some changes and hoping for new redirection. 

Sometimes change is heartbreaking, but we cant always be static and expect the same results to be produced without at least a little bit of sacrifice.

Or, as a matter of fact, is this another way for RB to persuade Max to stay with them? With all these rumours saying Toto is pursuing Max actively, I guess it is a pretty fair move too...

Jos is happy, possibly... 😂

Kan best if Adrian bersama Max kembali. Eceh. Acah tahu.

3 weeks and Spa will be next!

~ 2026 will be interesting ~ 

Low Key

Low key missing you

Wait

I dont miss you

Because you never truly exist

I just miss myself

Myself before you

~ 💔 ~

Maturity Over Time

source: F1 official ig

Watched the Silverstone while oncall-ed last night. 

The typical unpredictable British weather hit badly on many cars, but it was so heartwarming to watch Nico on podium finally. 

BUT, yet, it was also damn awkward seeing Lando and Oscar not spraying him at all on podium.

If it were the old timers with Nico, like Max or Lewis or Alonso, Nico would surely be soaking wet. 

He deserves that celebration on podium, yet thing looked out of place for him. 

Nampak kesian gila weh. Tak baik la budak 2 ketul Mclaren ni. Yes, Oscar was not in his mood, and maybe Lando was seeing Nico as a too grown up (such age gap?) hence showing mere respect? 

But still, matured sportmans will put those things aside coz it is a PODIUM anyway, where celebration is due!

Eh kesian la. That scene was freaking awkward. Depan millions of people watching worldwide. Kesiannnnnnnnnn woi!

~ Max is still a masterclass for that pole giving Q3 lap ~

Resume

Since Ramadhan, things have been a little bit of messy on my routine.

Last 2 night was the worse. Setiap sejam terjaga. Entah kenapa.

Last night was a bit better. Thanks to that 4km of briskwalk that evening.

I must get back to early sleep.

I must get back to 60 mins of walk per day (well except on oncall days la kan)...

There lies the problem. 

Im taking many oncalls for the past few months.

Penat yang bukan-bukan.

Seronoknya if tak perlu oncall langsung.

But then it means, less claim per month.

Siapa laaaaa yang sibuk mencipta konsep duit ni ye. Semak betul.

~ i need a proper 8 hours of totally uninterrupted sleep ~ 

Long Weekend

That long weekend, we had a nice last minute getaway. Had the fun that I needed after so long. Although any vacation can be tiring, especially when it involves oldies and kiddies 😅, but at least it will be balanced by the dopamine and such. 

Well, Austrian GP was a major let down. Max DNF. 1st lap and he was out with Kimi alongside. Penat je menunggu malam tiba. But well, slept early and had a good restart in the morning.

Face was burnt but I had to burn my midnight oil quite so often this week. Gonna gave 3 EEOD oncalls, including a Sunday. 🤮🤮🤮

~ F1 movie hasnt trigger my interest just yet ~

The Void

They say it takes 7 years to forget someone. 

Because it takes 7 years for all the body cells to be replaced by new ones..

I dont have that 7 years.. 

I refuse to wait for that 7 years..

😔😔😔

~ O! Allah. Heal me from what is unbeknown within me ~

People Watching

How I missed just sitting around in a random green park, people watching at a strange city, embracing the chilly wind with nobody but me. 

Doing nothing important, but just sipping a cup of hot chocolate, as well as enjoying nice bites of egg mayo sandwich or croissant. 

What a dream.

Planned for Kelantan + Terengganu, got to cancel. Planned for Sulawesi, also have to cancel. MotoGP, also got cancelled.

Apehal semua tarikh pun susah nak dapat cuti ni hoiiiii!!!!!!

Mungkinkah patut ikut cakap my mom - 'jom kita tiga pegi umrah end of this year'..

Of course la aku nak, but the cost per person is just beyond my pocket's ability for now.. 🥲🥲🥲

Hasbunallah wanikmal wakeel. 

May Allah make it easy for me.

~ rindunya Madinah ~

Oldie But Spunky

I have been using this mobile phone since 2020. Thats something to be proud of, no?

I used to be changing phones every 2-3 years while I was in the UK and pre working era. 

In the UK, renewal of mobile phone contracts usually come with free mobile device (fairly, quite the recent models) with no increment of the monthly bill. Some loyal customers who know when to bargain well are even offered free bills for the first 6-10 months for renewal plus a free device too!

While in Malaysia, yes, mobile networks do offer free phone (BUT usually the outdated models!!!) upon renewal, but MOST of the time the billing price would be slightly MORE - they probably are taking into consideration the cost of the 'free phone'.

Truly, being back in Malaysia makes me realise, I actually can live with the same mobile phone as long as 5 years. The battery health may be not so great now. Need to charge it 1-2 times daily, on average. But hey, not so bad eh.

Some people believe, we have to keep up with the latest turnover of technology. Nah. Maybe not for me. Camera, whatsapp, email, basic social media apps (well, just Fb + Instagram is sufficient in my defense) and direct call can function well - I am good to go.

Renyah la nak kena ada semua benda and function. The new generation kena ada apps for filter lah, video recording lah, audio recording jugak, photos and documents editors nya pulak.. Pening kepala makcik, nyah.. 

Indeed I am already old, and going back to the basic feels so nice and classy. I just dream of a slow and peaceful, yet fulfilling life. 

Less apps, less hassles, less drama.

~ lets see how many more years can this phone serve me ~

Taugey and Their Haters

Dropped my ass at the nearby stalls within my housing area. Like 20 metres away.

And now, I am currently waiting for my order - fried kuey teow. 

Aku mintak kosong, they said they still gonna charge at the same price. Then I said I dont want chicken slices, but can they just replace them with a sunny side up egg instead (i.e. at a cheaper cost, by right). 

The seller said they gonna have to add the price on for an egg, despite ditching the chicken slices.

Kahkahkahkah. Mak aihhhh. Aku mintak telur instead of ayam, siap kena tambah harga. Aku mintak tak payah letak ayam, katanya harga tetap sama. Wow makcik.. Tiada belas kasihan di situ... Firm and stern! Begitulah..

Hujung bulan ni makcik sekeluarga pergi umrah lah nampak gayanya.. Hehehehe

Akur je lah diknon. 

'Banyak cikadak sangat, kau masak la sendiri!'

😅😅😅🤣🤣🤣

The price of ease and laziness ke ni? Ngehehe...

And, sementara menunggu order yang entah bila nak siap ni, ramai pulak customers lain datang. 80% said 'taknak taugey ye kak'...

Sungguh la? Taugey tu crispy krupp krupp krupp kot. Sedap laaa... Plus low calories...

Now, apa salah taugey? Terhibur betul aku petang ni dengan diri aku sendiri...

~ semoga korang semua murah rezeki! ~

Unfuckwithable

Lesson learnt

Experience kept

------

Im comfortable of being alone

You disrespect me

I will walk away

You overstep your boundaries

I will cut you off

You try to manipulate or threaten to leave me

I will gladly hold the door open for you without a single fuck given

Because I dont NEED you in my life

I choose to let you be in it

Im unfuckwithable

~ resonating lines by Adam Cam 🤍 ~

Surge of Bleeding and Hierapolis

Attended a caesarean section with extended tear. Patient had a sudden surge of bleeding - 1.2 L within less than 5 minutes. Total loss at the end of the surgery was 1.7 L. More than 25% of her blood volume.

That sudden surge of bleeding, turned things upside down within seconds. She got tachycardia up to 160 bpm while I pumped in crytalloids and blood products concurrently. And, her coexisting chorioamnionitis made things worst for sure.

In a split second, just like that, she went from being the most pink, to the most pale. 

Alhamdulillah, things were made easy by the Almighty. Resuscitated her well. She responded well too. The fact that she is still at her mid 20s made me had a good sigh of relief.

This situation makes me relate things on a deeper level of life.

We humans are like that too. Challenges that come in a sudden surge, are tolerated so badly compared to those that creep in gradually. Adjustment isnt as easy as how it is explained. Our brains are not as flexible to emotions overload.

The same impact goes to death.

Dying from a chronic illness is usually easily accepted as compared to a sudden death from a motor vehicle accident or a massive heart attack during sleep.

The same degree of loss, come in different paces, bring about different spectrum of reactions.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here is a semi vide view of Hierapolis, Pamukkale in a nice spring weather. I just need a constant reminder that vacation needs money. 🤣🤣🤣 No money, no plane tickets.

~ sungguh laaaaaaa ~

Nasi Kandar, Mizi Wahid dan Cox Bazaar

I just had a plate of nasi kandar. And 30mins post prandial, tadaaaaa~ I became the sleepyhead looking confused in front of my desktop. Then here I am, trying to wash it off. Looks like I am gonna failed this mission soon too.

Is it too much MSG? Or too much happiness from a plate full of carbs that lead to all of this? I am confused myself. Nonetheless, bersyukur lah nak oiiii. Jiran sebelah tu makan tulang je gamaknya.

I work so much better on an empty tummy earlier on. Got nearly quarter of the workloads done. And now, I am at the risk of not getting anything further. Alahai la nasi kandar.

See, merapu.

Anyway, I ordered the latest book by Mizi Wahid, Grieving with God (non-fiction) last week. Hope it reach me soon because this soul is tired and needing some new kick on the frontal lobe. I tried getting back to brisk walking, running and weight lifting. Those seem blunt lately, with unpredictable weather especially in the late noon. I cant do those inside - there is no joy of adrenaline within any confined walls. I need the charming carpets of cloud and sun light, mixed with carbon monoxide exhaled from humans lungs. Those are the happy mixture of good adrenaline combating the cortisol splurge.

Trash note ahead. 

A friend called for a meet up during Sepang MotoGP which gonna happen sometimes this October. He handsomely offered the grandstand premium seat along with the other old friends. Sadly, those dates are blocked for my department in view of major exam happening during that period of time. Orang lain exam, kita la kena kerah kerja sampai lunyai. Dunia kapitalis. Begitulah. Mehhhh.. So goodbye to that sponsored ticket. Ariezabohari is sad, sadder and saddest.. That could be my first ever MotoGP in attendance. Melepas.

Kutupalong Cox Bazaar Refugee Camp. 2018.

Out of the sudden, I am now thinking about this humanitarian mission that I joined 6-7 years ago. I miss those days. Being selfless, feeling tiny and inspired by those activists all around the globe. Offering nothing major, other than some act of services, humanity and hope.

The same NGO called me for some flood rescue mission few years back, but I had to turn it down because it clashed with work commitments. Banjir kat Kelantan haritu pun ada satu NGO opened seat to volunteer, but I was really not at my best. Said no from the very beginning. Nak offer diri pegi G---, memang agak mustahil di situ, unless kita ni is someone well known di mata pihak aktivis kebangsaan or the kementerian. Hence, kita buat la kat peringkat yang kita mampu je ye.. Semoga peluang banyak datang bergolek kembali. Ariezabohari needs those grounding moments back. To remind me to always be thankful, because no matter how low I feel, there are lots of other people who suffer worse than me. Apalah sangat dengan secalit kesusahan yang kita rasa kadang-kala ni kan..

Maka nikmat Tuhan yang manakah yang ingin engkau dustakan? Surah Ar-Rahman.

Ok dah la. From nasi kandar, to Cox Bazaar. Kau rasa? Train of thoughts ni memang random betul.

~ semoga yang tertindas, Allah pelihara, dan mereka baik-baik sahaja ~

Never Halfway

 ~ i love like home ~

Korban

The end of the Hijri year is near. Then comes Awal Muharam. Sekelip mata, dah masuk Jun. Half of a year is gone. What have I achieve? Entah. Seolahnya tiada apa-apa. But seeing things on a bigger picture, I have achieved a lot inshaAllah. I am far from perfect, but I make do with my own selfless little victories - unspoken, unseen. Less people involved, less drama. Biasalah, ada hari naik turunnya. And today, I choose to embrace the stillness.

Penuh sana sini video perihal korban. Kadang-kadang, muncul rasa rimas dengan semua hal pun yang ingin di'konten'kan. Tetapi, begitulah kehidupan. Masing-masing dengan cara masing-masing. You do you. Semoga semuanya yang baik-baik kita boleh raikan bersama-sama. 

Tak guna being too judgmental and critical. Many times you see others and label them as 'melebih-lebih'. Sikit-sikit nak rasa menyampah. As if semua nak tunjuk bijak dan pandai masing-masing. Humble bragging. Well, we tend to be that judgemental prick inside our own quiet thought.

But, you think others dont see you as the same too? Celebrate each others' strengths and weaknesses, selagi tidak melanggar hukum syarak.

Nonetheless, social media is playing big part in evolution - of acceptance, of normality, of the bare minimum, in each and every aspects of life. 

Sama jugak dengan ibadah korban. Ada yang terlalu memberatkan, ada yang terlalu meringankan. Yet again, kadang-kadang kita lupa, ibadah itu luas konsepnya. But dont get too naive, nor too contemporary on this faith. The base of the belief shall remain unshaken. Bezanya cuma diaplikasikan bagaimana.

Jadi, apa 'Ismail'mu kali ini? 

Tidak semudah itu untuk dituliskan.

~ silence in itself is a loud answer ~

Eid Mubarak

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha kawan-kawan.

Selamat berkorban jiwa dan raga, mencari jalan redha Allah.. 

Be safe wherever you are! 🤍

~ Eid Mubarak ~

Kamu

Celebrating shortcomings.

Is everything getting easier?

Maybe? No? Never? Im not sure myself either.

Random nights bring random thoughts.

The what ifs.

The why me.

The am I not worth the fight.

The least I could do is pray

- for those that I love

- and for those that love me.

May the old stories flourish me inside.

Being the better person.

Realizing humans are intentional in every decisions.

So let me be too.

Being more intentional.

Of the word I utter.

Of the action I show.

Of the pray I hum.

Of the love I shower.

Because, like it or not, all of us are seeking for validation.

Quietly seeking for the ultimate validation.

That we are worthy at someones eyes.

🌹

~ semoga yang baik-baik saja untuk kamu ~

Tiramisu-ed

I should have overbeat the mascarpone cheese + whipping cream a little bit so it could be slightly lighter textured. Should have arrange ladyfingers denser (dont blame me, coz they always sold out in physical store!), buy better cocoa powder and use stronger espresso.. But still, sedap do'oh...!

My love for burnt cheesecake is always way bigger than for tiramisu.

I need another vacation, I guess. Tiberrrr.. 🤣🤣🤣

Jom la carik ticket balik Leicester. Boleh singgah beli luggage bags gila best and ringan kat Primark.

~ ngehehehehe ~

Tiramisu

Not sure why there is a sudden hype of tiramisu lately in the country. I made few rounds a couple of years back when they werent as highly spoken.

So to celebrate my anxious weekend, I made the classic original tiramisu earlier tonight. Mascarpone cheese was already in the fridge for 2 months long (nampak tak berapa lama cita-cita tu dah ada, namun kerajinan tu tak berapa nak ada...). And ladyfinger biscuits were sold out almost everywhere. Had to order online a week earlier.

Now the 3 containers are chilling in the chiller. Semoga esok eloklah kejadian tiramisu tu semua. Nak? Meh la datang rumah.. 😜

Well, on a side note, long weekend isnt as long to me because having have to oncalls in between the stretch. Sed. Sedder. Seddest.

Begitulah kehidupan. Tak kerja, tak dapat beli mascarpone cheese. If pakai cream cheese, nanti tak cukup puas hati. Dilema seorang saya yang tidak berapa nak berada tetapi FOMO.. 😅

~ hard luck, kesian ~

Zulhijjah

Begging for His forgiveness. For all the dumbest immoral things I ever did, intentionally or unintentionally. To myself or to anybody. Alone or with anybody.

May Allah wipe away all my sins. There are so many things and people I wish I never know or meet or experience. It is what it is, life lessons and such, but this regret is always gonna haunt. May I deserve Allah's mercy. The journey may be long, but I pray that He gives me consistency and contentment.

To everyone who is struggling, Allah is always near, closer than our own jugular veins.

And may one day, Allah invites us to perfom Hajj too.

Selamat berpuasa kawan-kawan.. dan selamat meningkatkan amal.. 🤍

You know who you are. I miss you too. Sending unspoken prayers. May things go well on your side.

💐 nah bunga

~ a year before, and a year ahead ~

Chicky Interior

This place was cozy. Love the classy tiles colour, combines with few wooden benches, corners and angles. Oh what is there to not like about patterns on patterns.

And look at theat ceiling! If only I can get this kind of ceiling at an affordable price for my landing area or master bedroom. I already have the design ready in my mind. Ngehehehe. Talking about mentally prepared.

~ manifesting, who knows money will really fall from the sky ~

In Our Moment

When all want to be seen

You can together be invisible with me

When all want to be recognized

You can live the mediocrity with me

When all want to be up high 

You can always hit low with me

When all want infinity

You and I can just take one step at a time

Because infinity is not always promised

You and me, lets just cherish being silly

Lets us live this moment

Because tomorrow is not guaranteed

~ soft and gentle ~

Baby Born Flat

Last week was too eventful, and that is already an understatement in itself.

Last call was devastating too. Had a perinatal death, the team resuscitated the newborn for nearly 2.5 hours, but Allah loves him more. May the parents find ease in Allah's mercy, and may Allah give them acceptance behind their massive grievance.

Nonetheless, this was the first Sunday of the year that I felt really at slow pace and managed to switch on my room's desktop for some ongoing portfolios and updates.

Dah nak masuk June. Like, whatt? Where did February till May went?

So many things to be done.

So many things to be thankful.

~ onto the next plans ~

SOS

Im scared.

Refreshed

The 3 day conference was refreshing.

Took the time out to elevate my endorphins, catching sunsets, went for long walks, trying random foods, talking to nice strangers, just finding solitude at my own pace.

And enjoyed Imola at some nice big screeen with some stranger crowd.

Indeed, little moments are always under appreciated. A slow life is always fulfilling the soul, frankly speaking.

Im done with the era of burning the candle at both ends. Oh, Im so done with that long time ago.

May this slow life sustain nicely. 

~ 2 tahun lagi, kita aim pegi Monaco ok 😁 ~

Catch

October dan Pantai Timur. May the rain aint sabotaging the plans. But first, to further east we go.

~ di mana kau pokok duit? ~

Aya Sofya

So much to do, so little time. Dropping a view of the Aya Sofya (Hagia Sofia) from the park stretching between herself and the Blue Mosque. MasyaAllah. The view, the vibe, was just magnificient.

~ be right back ~

Derailment

This knight move thinking is getting worse. My body clock is messy and I hate this.

~ 😢 ~

Thought

Grief doesnt come with a two way switch.

Saw Mizi Wahid's post on grieving today and it hit hard. Had a heartbroken news while we were in Turkey. My dear sister in law lost her loving father. A figure so well known in Sarawak, tertiary education, and forestry, and also beknownst to almost everyone for his kindness and humbleness despite his countless achievements. Sudden loss, but everything was made smooth by Allah. Alhamdulillah. May Allah SWT forgive all his sins and lift his rank amongst the righteous ones, inshaAllah.

Indeed, our heart is never ready for any loss. We grieve differently. Some choose silent, some choose writings, some chose to hit the gym. Some chose to reconcile broken contacts, some chose to travel or move out, and some choose intimate conversations with closed ones.

But the main purpose is always the same - to ease some burden away.

And without doubt, grief is not strictly for death. We grieve for so many other reasons too.

Just dont let your irresponsibility, be one of them.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Ah sudahlah. Merapu apa pagi-pagi begini.

~ dah tengok The Recruit? Silalah... ~

Home

Forced my sick body to get out of the house today. The hardest to initiate, yet it gave the best sweat and relieve that I was looking for.

Alhamdulillah for another day. Home is wherever we feel belonged, regardless of where you are from. Home shall give you that sense of pure bliss, actual freedom, ultimate contentment.

So, wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope you find home within yourselves.

Sending love to all the quiet hustlers. 

We got this, love! 💪🏻

~ resuming the routine ~

Sicko

Drama overloaded while on the way home with sick passenger on the airplane. But things went smooth. Nonetheless, manusia di Istanbul memang rude and arrogant. Dia ingat dia je arrogant. Showed my temper side too, nahhh, reti pulak kau cakap elok-elok. Ingat dia je ada superiority complex gamaknya.

I have been sick too since home. Called in sick for several days. Thought today would be better off the loo, but still, parasite aint clearing off the intestine just yet. Screw you filtered water in Dubai!

Another 1.5 week before the next plane to catch.

~ unpacked, repacked, penat ~

Time Zone

 Hiiiiii!!!!!

~ 🥰 ~

Cappadocia

 

Alhamdulillah for this view. Maka nikmat Allah yang manakah lagi yang ingin engkau dustakan?

~ lifetime ~

Leicester University

 

I was taking some sweet time to scrutinize my storage box before finalizing my hand carry. Found my few external hard drives and tadaaa, banyak sungguh la gambar dari zaman tok kadok - while I was still in the UK. 

Dated from 2005. Zaman camera phone super cikai and digital camera pun sangatlah limited MP nya. But hey, the images are still stimulating my core memory.

Above was my small apartment room in Leicester back then. Shared unit with maybe another 3 or 4 foreign students kalau tak silap..

Kudos to me, I made my room look cozy for that era. Kan? Siap gigih beli keyboard kat sana. Ada teddy bear sebesar manusia beli kat car boot market. Another 1 white giant teddy belum wujud lagi masa ni.

Oh what a free life it was. Struggling with study, tetapi tetap la hidup dengan penuh keyakinan dan berjoli hahahaha.

Done mengimbau kenangan. Shall hit the sack early!

~ Opal Court ~

Spring-ing

Spring is here.

In Japan, cherry had blossomed well and coming to their end at certain districts mostly sparing the north.

And at a side note, the first 4 GPs were done. This weekend is Jeddah's. Bahrain was the toughest on Max. Kasihan. But the season just began.

Anyhu, begs are re-packed and we are ready to go!

IST, soon.

~  nah bunga 💐 ~

Marriage and Divorce

Recently, I have been the ears to listen to some heartbreaking story of divorced couples.

Subhanallah memang patut Islam membenci perceraian. Tidaklah haram. Namun, the impact it has on many sides is way beyond comprehension.

Betul lah, choosing a life partner is your next biggest task after maintaining your tauhid dan akidah. 

Seumur hidup itu lama - yes, semua orang bercita-cita to be married forever. Nonetheless, tidak semua dapat rezeki for such smooth sailing in marriage. Berantakan tengah jalan, porak peranda anak beranak. For so many reasons, for so many factors - from petty to unimaginable causes. 

But all in all, apabila sudah tiada ihsan dalam hubungan, tiada kesepakatan dalam mempertahankan apa yang pernah ada, couples go separate ways. Paling sedihnya apabila ada anak-anak yang akan terkesan sama.

Saat manis berkasih sayang, semua nampak indah, semua dikata mudah. Saat dah berpisah, isu sekecil-kecilnya jadi ungkitan, jadi sesalan, jadi bualan.

Jadi yang dahulu dipertahanakan, tidak ikhlas kah? Bukan dahulu dihadap daripada rasa kasih kah? Kenapa yang dahulu mampu diterima, tiba-tiba diungkap menjadi punca?

Wallahi, marriage scares me. Deep inside, I know I can love with all my might. But love alone is never enough for a sustainable marriage. It is never just about love. It comes with its whole package - hard work, effort, passion etc you name it all. Semua kena ada.

They say with the right person, things will be easy, it goes without forcing. Yet kenapa apabila berpisah, kebanyakannya jadi haru biru? Aint we got married to the person we once thought was our right person? 

Honesly in my dumb opinion, to maintain a marriage, at times, we need force too. The force to keep it going. 

Memaksa diri masing-masing untuk menjadi lebih saling memahami saat rasa cinta semakin mendatar. Saling menerima saat segala ujian terasa mengkhianati rasa. 

Demi terus untuk bertolak ansur dan akhirnya terus berkasih sayang. Really, it is a hard work for both ends.

Senjata terkuat kita, tetaplah agama dan iman kita. Berpaksilah kepada titik sebenar mengikut ajaran Islam - may Allah make it easy, for He and only Him could ease everything.

~ t = -6 ~

My Closure

My closure is this. -
I will never know 
If i did mean anything to you
If your love was real? And if so, how could you be so cruel to me?
I will never know how you did it
I kept asking how why how and why
Till it drove me crazy but 
I came to peace that 
I will never know 
But i will always know 
My love was real
My heart was real 
My affection 
My gentleness
My sincerity was real 
I will always know what i felt was real 
Regardless of how it ended. 
How you acted.
I was real.
That’s my closure. 
 
- Metanoia

~ i was real ~

Natural Body Odour

Do you still recall your favourite person's body smell? Not their perfume scent, but their natural body odour.

Could you recall how the smell made you feel each time they get close to you? 

It aint fetish of any sort, but it is our cognitive way of recalling our memory, especially our loved ones. The smell makes the memory more vivid.

~ could you recall mine? 😅 ~

Turkey

In 2 weeks time, I will be flying off to Turkey, InshaAllah. May Allah ease. May Allah shower me with His peace, finding solitude within His endless amazing creations. Cant wait for the adventure to begin.

~ life is too short to mourn just about you ~

It Is Okay

If you’ve accepted that it’s over and still miss them, know that it’s okay. Healing isn’t about forgetting; it’s about learning to live with the memories without letting them control you. You can miss someone and still know they weren’t meant to stay. You can look back on what you had with love, even if it ended in pain. Missing them doesn’t mean you’re weak, and it doesn’t mean you should go back—it simply means they were a part of your story, and letting go takes time.  

But remember this: missing them is just a feeling, not a reason to reopen a closed door. You are allowed to feel, but don’t let nostalgia trick you into rewriting the past. There’s a reason it ended, and there’s a future waiting for you beyond what was. Let yourself miss them, but also remind yourself that you deserve a love that stays, grows, and chooses you every single day. Keep moving forward—one day, missing them won’t feel so heavy anymore.

— Balt Rodriguez

Maturity At Its Best

I have been here for long - since 2009. But prior to blogspot domain, I had my blogging posts parked in 'Friendster' for years (gosh, do YOU even know about this vintage social media's name? Well now it is called Facebook!). 

Then, when Friendster was diminished and changed to Facebook, their blogging platforms got deactivated and my posts could not be recalled or archived at all. My silly mistake was not being bothered enough to transfer all those posts into another domain during that closing period. 

As far as I could remember, my posts in that platform were a lot more lively, and full of travelling experience. Zaman mula study dekat UK. Zaman torrent Jwg network paling upscale dengan pantas - semua rasa macam satu family. Zaman aku gila jadi online DJ dekat Jwg torrent site. Zaman penuh kerasukan ablasa. Hahahaha tenat. Masa tu aku sezaman dengan Cik Epal dan Keknis - they were the kings/queens of bloggers and we were quite the 'in-network', tapi rajin hi-bye je la kat posts comments or blogsite chatbox masing-masing. 

When I put this blog into hiatus in 2022, all those statistics showed that there was quite a number of unique visitors coming into this blog of mine, viewing my old posts. This trend slowed down after the hiatus. 

Anybody looking for me? Eceh. Perasan. But honestly, if YOU are reading this, and if YOU were the one(s) coming here looking for my updates every now and then, this is for you. 

 ---- How are you? How is life treating you? Tough? Smooth sailing? Rollercoaster-ing? 

Well, maybe we are on the same boat. Life isnt getting any easier. But I get better in dealing with the 'not easier(s)'.

Tonight, is malam ke 22 Ramadhan. Tiba-tiba I had this urge to read quickly through the old pages, dated from 2009.

Funny how I could see my posts 'maturing'. Being more vulnerable and honest to my own feelings. Tho becoming less articulating and less active in publishing, I saw myself being more accepting. The old me sounded so frank, but there were untold hollows, sounded fun but werent as exposed. 

Lah kelakar. Segmen meng-skodeng abang bomba di Leicester tetap terpahat dalam hati. Hobi di kala sunyi, sayup melontar sepi pandangan kat tepi tingkap condo. Eh, tah-apa-apa.

But anyhu, I hope you are doing good too. Not great, but good, is good enough. Geddit? 😅 

I guess people in this era have move away from blogging. They choose X, Instagram, Thread, FB etc etc over this more lengthy style of writing. 

Nampak tak, sebenarnya manusia dah semakin malas membaca? That is from my POV. Zaman ni, kalau boleh, readers nak semua in bullet points je. No more such artsy side of explaining and enganging with readers. No more fancy vocabs yang enak dibaca, sambil difahami.

People wants simpler methods, yet life is getting more complex than ever.

But hey, you do you. Whatever suits you, hoomans.

I think I am liking this come back slowly. Letting me ease my head's noise once in a while. 

So, hello kembali. I am back. Nah bunga 💐

~ hujan lebat, selebat 'patah perkataan' yang aku tuliskan ~

Seculit Tanah

40 of age, indefinite sins, countless blessings.

Tetapi begitulah. Manusia. Oftenly, kita sibuk menangisi kesedihan, terbawa-bawa duka dunia. Sedangkan dunia ini memang bukannya tempat bersenang lenang. Entah apa lagi yang kita cari. Sebenarnya kita ni mudah kufur nikmat - lupa membanding diri dengan insan yang lebih susah daripada kita.

We got roof over our head, clothes snuggling nicely, food that is enough to kill hunger, cukup sifat di badan, cukup sihat luar dalaman, apa lagi? 

Nikmat Allah yang manakah lagi yang nak kita dustakan?

Apa lah sangat nak dicerita sedih kita putus cinta, berbanding sedihnya perasaan ibu bapa yang kehilangan anak yang dah 9 bulan dalam kandungan. 

Apa lah sangat nak dijaja duka kita tak mampu bercuti merentas dunia, berbanding mereka yang lahir tak punya kaki yang sempurna.

Kenapa tidak dibanding diri seadil kadarnya orang di sekeliling? Yes, because each of us is greedy. Kita nak merasa cukup semua.

We are searching for almost a perfection, yet deep down we know we are nothing more than just a simple creation that owns nothing - not even a single strand of hair, even not a unit of cell, is ours to begin with.

~ kita hanya seculit tanah ~

Dealing With Healing

Nobody ever say that healing is easy. It is not a one off journey. 

This pattern of emotional recovery is perhaps similar to a chronic pain spectrum.

We are bound to go to and fro relapses and remissions, visiting old wound or pain, then drying it off temporarily until a point where we can bear with the background threshold of discomfort, in order to sustain a good-enough maintenance of daily activities.

The same applies to healing from a broken relationship. Human relationship, to be exact.

There are days that we believe that things happen for the better. Some days we whine because we know we do not deserve to be hurt like that. But to err is human. 

We swallow the hardship on good days. But nonetheles, when life seems like shit, we can only indulge the darkness of past memories.

Maybe, we dont actually miss the person that had left us. We miss the good times that made us smile. The potentials, the fantasies and the future projections, are embedded by our own hope, our own dreams, not solely because of that temporary individual.

Again, maybe, we need to remind ourselves - do we not recall the time we suffered emotionally, when they refused to be accountable of the misery they caused us? Do we forget how painful it was to wait for uncertainties? Do we not remember how they could simply turned away just to avoid vulnerability?

If they dare to do so upon us, leaving us in the lowest pitfalls intentionally, do we still think that such person deserves the slightest unconditional love from us?

Love doesnt need to be begged. 

Love is supposed to be built and embraced together by two different souls that share similar principles, beliefs and efforts. Two souls that is willing to meet halfways on difficult differences, yet agree to disagree respectfully on certain matters.

Such, is love. 

Remeber, love doesnt need to be begged.

~ one step at a time ~

Today

Today feels dark

Despite all the light

Today feels lost

Despite all the new find

Today feels hollow

Despite all the full heart

Today is just another day

Where I am revisiting the square 1

Another struggle to remain strong

Another struggle to remain forgiving

Today feels heavy

Because I miss seeing myself hopeful

I miss seeing myself witty

I miss seeing myself happy

This too, shall pass

This is just another day

Just today

I promise

~ healing ~

The Mediocrity

Something worthy to read.

To remind ourselves, we are all worthy - way beyond our own expectations. 

Lets just take one step at a time.

To all the quiet hustlers, this is for us.

+++++++++

I am just an average. I’m not the most talented, the most successful, or the most remarkable person in any room. I exist in the quiet middle ground where expectations are neither sky-high nor rock-bottom. My achievements are modest, and my flaws, though not extraordinary, are plenty. Yet, there is a certain comfort in this place, a peacefulness in knowing that I don’t have to be exceptional to matter. I can find contentment in the simple routines of daily life, in small victories and setbacks that don’t define me but shape me. To be average is to be free from the pressure of perfection, a reminder that there is dignity in the everyday.

In a world that glorifies extremes, there’s a quiet strength in embracing the middle. Being average doesn't mean being invisible or uninvolved—it means I am part of the crowd, experiencing life without the need for recognition. I don’t have to live for accolades or chase the highest peaks to feel fulfilled. There’s joy in mediocrity, in knowing that I’m just one person among many, contributing in my own way. The average existence is not a failure; it’s simply a reminder that life, at its core, is about living authentically, without needing to stand out or constantly strive for more. And perhaps, in embracing this truth, I’ve found my own version of success.

— Balt

~ embrace this mediocrity ~

2025 I Am Back

Assalammualaikum..

It has been a while. To a point that I forget the purpose of me writing. 

It soothes my inner voice. Calming down the loud silence in me.

So here I am, coming back, for myself.

2023-2024 - its ups and downs were just too significant. Subhanallah for all the tests and Alhamdulillah for His mercy allowing me to get through it.

2025 - this year it is about me. Growing positively. Mentally and physically healthier, inshaAllah. Running my 3-5km almost daily. Aiming for 10km by the end of the year, inshaAllah.

++++++++++

Kadang dalam kuning di ufuk senja, datang rasa tiba-tiba sayup. Entah. Bukan kosong. Tapi tenang. 

Kadang timbul rasa risau.

Inikah ketenangan? Inikah sebenar aman yang dicari selama ini? Terlalu sayup di celah bingit. Namun tenang.

Untuk jiwa-jiwa yang pernah hadir sengaja melukai, aku perlahan-lahan cuba memaafkan. Atas izin Allah, biarlah segala rasa yang pernah ada itu terus hilang tanpa memori.

Bukan dendam, bukan amarah, bukan kecewa.

Tapi sedar, dunia ini bukan tempat untuk berbahagia dan bersenang lenang cuma.

Dalam jujur kita, ada manusia berniat dusta. 

Dalam ikhlas kita, ada manusia bermain rasa.

Bukankah Allah dah janjikan, dunia ini cuma sekadar persinggahan?

Cukuplah.

Biarlah dahaga rasa yang ada, kini cuma pada Dia.

Berbekalkan usia 4 dekad, aku rasa aku dah cukup merasa - tinggi rendah segala perihal yang patut ada.

Berkumpul berbakul-bakul dosa. 

Entah banyak mana sahaja pahala yang ada. 

Cukuplah.

Sekarang hanya untuk Dia.

~ hasbunallah wani'mal wakeel ~