::: Alas (English, Not Malay)

The above title is in English. What a day. I hate today. Today only. Seriously, I hate. Not forget to mention, I hate today too! Damn it, today is full of hatred~! *sigh*

Ok ok ok. Let it go.

Wonderful life. Indeed. When I said wonderful, it doesn't mean perfect. Wonderful for its balance of good and bad, of happiness and sorrow, of success and failure.

I have been surrounded by various types of people. Ranging from the very human to the very alien. Ranging from the brilliantly-genius-plus-awesome-plus-damn-wealthy people to the most-foolish-plus-annoying-plus-desperate-plus-alienated ones. Gosh, two extremities that really amazed me.

2010 is coming to its end. Colourful experience. Black and white. Dark and bright. Evolution and resolution. Not to deny, there are things that I still cannot let go. Few things. I tried, still trying, and will keep on trying. Very few things. When I think about it, about them, about him, about her, about us, I feel my heart is torn apart.



But I keep on telling myself, I must be strong, I must move forward, I must think ahead.

Great life. Bright future. Who doesn't wish and pray for it? Who doesn't long and work for it? It has been 25 years of great opportunity. 25 years of metabolising oxygen and consuming energy. What a tiring cycle. A quarter of a century. Unbelievable. I am a quarter of a century old! Damn it!

Several more days before I turn another year older. And when that day comes, I will reveal another story.


| I am not in any way special :( |

::: Back To Back

2010 hampir ke penghujung. Oh no, this is not the end of this year's posting. I just feel like writing something. Rather than sitting and waiting for nothing.

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From abroad, I returned to my homeland. Big issues. No one could understand the actual reason(s) of me reaching such decision. Not even my parents. Not even any single living thing. I've finally decided that I will only let Allah share this true story with me.

Let it be. Because it hurts too much to let other human beings trying to understand without further arguing and finger pointing. Yes, it hurts. Just to let you know - if you really have the concern anyway.

Before, I thought 2008 was the worst nightmare. And then I prayed that nothing worst than those will ever occur again in my life. But no. This year has worse than those. Well, as the typical saying goes 'kita hanya merancang, segala ketentuan letaknya pada Tuhan'. Bersyukur kerana aku masih punya segala. Iman. Akal. Jiwa. Nafas. Keluarga. Kasih. Teman.

Allahuakbar serta lafaz Alhamdulillah aku panjatkan. Atas segala kekuatan dari Tuhan. Rangsangan dari keluarga, juga Macha dan teman-teman yang setia.

Kerana kamu-kamu semualah aku masih meneruskan baki-baki impian yang ada ini. Biar jalan makin jauh, biar aku makin jenuh, biar aku tak henti mengeluh. Tapi kaki ini akan terus pergi. Pergi mencari definisi diri. Membina hakikat sebuah mimpi.

I have made myself promised. Di penghujung setiap tahun, akan aku duduk bersendiri tika lewat malam tiba. Mencari tenang dalam sunyi.

Counting all the blessings and embracing all the memories. Be it good, be it bad. All of them are my precious experience. That teach me how to live my life in a better way.

Yes, I am still not a good person, to everyone or to anyone, but at least I know I never stop learning.



| it is not easy to be me |

::: We Are Growing Up Too Fast

Parents. Yup I know I am not entitled to speak on their behalf. But I am quite certain, that some parents wish that their children are not growing up too fast.

Here is just my 2 pennies worth, about what might they keep silently within their deepest loving hearts. Hearts of the parents.

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When we were little, we hug them, we kiss them, we hold their hands.
When we were little, they comb our hair, put our clothes on, kiss us good night at bedtime.

Now that we called ourselves as grown ups. We tell them that we know how to manage our own lives. We tell them that they do not have to worry about us anymore. Impossibly possible, they won't stop worrying because it is not pure worry that they are having. But trust me, it is some sort of parents-towards-children jealousy.

Jealous that we are not always by their side and sight anymore. Jealous that we are no longer spending more time with them compared to with our friends. Jealous that we could talk for so many hours with our friends but conversely would only call them maybe just once in a month.

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The journey of years seem quite fast. Indeed too fast for them to catch up with us.

When we went to primary school, they would be waiting for us to come home safely from school. And they were so keen to ask and listen to whatever we rumbled - even about stupid stuffs we had learned in classroom - like making a snake with stupid sticky plasticine!

Then came moments from secondary school. We spent more time with friends, yet they knew we need some freedom to experience the true world. Worried of whatever could hurt us while we were not in front of their eyes, they just had to let us go. With trust that they hope we could value.

College and university. We went far. Sometimes too far across the seas. We only called when we think necessary. Other time, we said we were too busy with classes and assignments. Yes, true. But how about the countless time we spent with friends, girlfriend(s), boyfriend(s) or even strangers? We could chat for hours with friends, but not a single minute everyday to call our parents to at least ask what did they have for dinner?

How about after our marriage later? So certain that we will have our own family, our own career, and our own all-those-that-our-parents-have-too. We will be a living on our own. Managing our own financial matters. Managing our own personal privacy and responsibilities.

Far. Far. And too far.

And then, there will be moments that we have our own children! Hooray! Don't be to excited buddy.. This will be the time that we discover how our parents felt along those years of us growing up. And the cycle continues... :)

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Those are the origin of our parents' jealousy. Believe me or not, you should go ask you parents. Politely, I mean! Have they ever got that sort of jealousy towards any of their children? Not even a slightest? Ask them again and again until they admit the hard truth...

Then only you can trust me that our parents, sometimes, do wish that we are not growing up too fast. How they wish that we are always the small kids - who they can always hug, kiss, comb the hair, put the clothes on, and read bedtime stories to.

How they wish that we are not growing up too fast.

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Oh Allah, I am very grateful that you give me the most caring parents that I could wish for. I will never ask for more. Their unconditional love, their patience, their guidance and their lives, are all dedicated to their children. Through ups and downs, they are always there.

Even words cannot describe it best, my love for them is nevertheless endless. Even such three words I rarely say, but You know deeply, how much I love them.

For that I beg you Allah, please shower my parents with your blessings, in all aspects, in here and in the hereafter. Amin.

| ini hakikat hidup. pahit ada. manis merata. |

::: Tidak Mungkin Ada Lagi Seperti Dulu

Sekali lagi dalam susur gelap hari
Terjentik hujung khilaf dan tersebar segala dengki
Entah apa ada pada jiwa gundah
Manusia ini terus bersuara dengan payah
Berbaki anyaman hati seorang hamba
Melakar manis bibir pada bicara cuma

Tidak mungkin ada lagi seperti dulu
Sebelum semuanya bercorak kelabu
Ada warna pelangi yang menghiasi
Gelap hari tak pernah mengerti
Mengapa perlu dia datang
Adakah kerana pelangi mau pulang?

Benar, jika datang sekumpulan gagak
Membawa tiada apa cuma sesak
Pasti kamu tak pernah mengeluh
Kerana pada kamu gagak itu tetamu penuh
Dilayan umpama si gagak membawa mutiara
Waima tiada apa dibawanya tetapi binasa

Tapi bait-bait aku yang disusun indah penuh kasih
Tuturlah selembut mana hingga lidah berselisih
Kamu renung kosong penuh murka
Umpama aku bawa nestapa belaka
Seraya aku mau pergi jauh
Simpan baris-baris bahagia dulu di jasad tubuh

Kerana tidak mungkin ada lagi seperti dulu
Semalam itu cuma bayangan
Hari ini cuma kiasan
Esok cuma tinggal harapan


| alah bisa tegal biasa |

::: I Come In Peace,,, NOT!!

Mujur la kan.. Only this time!

Incik Macha kata tak suka. Ok fine aku sudah delete tapi bukan kerana simpati atau belas pada engkau! Dalam hati akan aku simpan rasa dendam ini, sampai mati! Itu janji aku!

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Samsung Galaxy Tab semakin mendapat sambutan. Promo promo. Siap ada budak-budak kata mau angkat sebijik juga. Haaa hah! Cer citer cer citer! Well, semakin ramai yang sudi menjadi monyet, beruk, orang utan serta jebon.. Incik Macha, iPod anda apa kabarnya?

By the way, lagi 3 minggu posting O&G habis. Maka selepas itu akan bermula perang End of Posting Examination. Alhamdulillah so far I passed all the previous postings. Hope this new journey is as smooth as such till the end. Nonetheless, Allah for sure will test me here and there. But for that I am very grateful - it shows that He still remember me.

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Oh Abang oh Kakak. Cepat-cepatlah dapat baby....




| Sheldon, i want! |

::: Ini Gym Ataupun....?

Tell me what will you call this place?


| ini rumah hantuuuuuuuu!! |

::: It Is Annoying...

...to see a lady, perhaps a grown-up lady matured enough to be called a mommy, whine about LOVE almost ALL the time on Facebook. Damn you Facebook!

Good Lord.

Yes we know you are a lady with heart full of love, beauty and optimism. But please, STOP making such 'announcement' about what you feel about love and life, and how your love and life go around.

Goodness sake, you think all Facebook users are dumb as such that we cannot read in between the lines? Certainly we know you are seeking for some degree of attention there, perhaps from the guys especially? Or are you waiting for the 'prince charming', to whom you always meant them to, to grab the not-so-twisted meaning and send you some warmth of concern?

Gosh. And euwww..~ Fuck me for reading them too! Biatch!




| move on, you MOMMY!! |

::: New Anti-Social Gadgets

Woop woop. Salam Maal Hijrah semua.. Tahun yang berlalu, semoga semuanya menjadi kenangan. Tahun yang mendatang, semoga semuanya menjadi kenyataan.

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Teknologi. Macho serta sempoi selebet tapi boleh buat kita semua jadi monyet.

Mana taknya, kalau diperatikan bebudak serta 'tetua' zaman sekarang ni sesiapa yang ada gadgets meletup (seperti iPhone, public phone, Blackberry, strawberry, dan apa-apa sahaja cap ayam cap beruang yang ada wifi connection), duduk ramai-ramai macam kenduri dekat satu table yang sama tapi semua kepala tunduk ke bawah. Bukan perati yang bukan-bukan di celah kangkang, tapi perati screen gadgets masing-masing.

Aiyo.. Last-last tinggal sekerat dua yang masih setia melanggan Nokia 3310 bersembang ala kadar Mak Joyah sebelah rumah. Kasihan bukan?

Bukan kasihan pada yang punya Nokia 3310 tadi. Tapi pada yang punya teknologi canggih itu. Mereka itu seperti agak miskin pada budaya serta etika 'public relations'. Bak kata salah satu sumber yang kadang-kadang aku tak boleh percayai berkata... 'Kalau takat nak duduk ramai-ramai tapi masing-masing busy melayan facebook melayan internet, baik balik rumah duduk diam-diam dalam bilik sorang-sorang, layan la sampai bulu pubis korang gugur!'

Betul jugak.. Apa tujuan datang ramai-ramai menghadap muka tapi semua bisu pada kata-kata? Dok membelai benda yang mati, tapi jiwa manusia mereka-mereka ini sudah kurang mesra pada sebuah hubungan nyata. Maju tapi dungu. Boleh?



Lagi-lagi yang jadi 'mat gian' pada Facebook. Ish tak faham haih~ Setiap 10 minit tukar status, setiap 20 minit tukar profile picture. Apakah? Gila mencipap serta mencapub. Aku bersimpati dengan diorang ni sebenarnya. Mungkin dalam dunia realiti mereka agak kurang dibelai. Meh sini meh, aku belai kaw-kaw punya.

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Oh mengata dulang paku serpih.. Mengata monyet, beruk actually lagi banyak bulu! Hahahahaha.

Incik Macha dan aku pun hampir menuju ke arah itu tapi belum tersadai bersama yang dungu-dungu tadi. Kami masih punya kewarasan yang kadang-kadang perlu jugak diketuk dengan lesung batu agar tidak terlalau lalai dengan teknologi anti-social ini..

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Incik Macha sudah punya iPod Touch 4th generation. Agak cool. Smart. Kecik-kecik cili padi.. Berjaya membuatkan Incik Macha lalai leka sebelas purnama. If kerana iPod touch itu aku 'tercicir dari titik fokus' dia, makanya akan aku geget iPod Touch tu sampai retak. Haaa hah!

Dek kerana tuntutan jiwa, aku pun pergi mendapatkan Samsung Galaxy Tablet. Duit dalam bank semua dah susut, so aku pujuk kedua orang tua untuk cover payment dahulu. Ala 'tong-tong' la kan, kata anak beranak. Hikhik~ Tunggu next installment, kita ganti balik ye duit itu.. Ke ayahanda bonda berdua nak jadikan itu sebagai gift je kepada anakanda bongsu terchenta ni?



So, sorang dengan iPod Touch, sorang dengan Samsung Galaxy Tab. Haaaa pertembungan teknologi terjadi! Anti-social juga bakal terjadi! Haip haip! Tidak mungkin boleh berlaku! Akan aku tentang habis-habisan!

Incik Macha, jangan jadi monyet~ :p


| gadgets sucks! |

::: The Odds

What is the odds of you being honest and transparent even to you loved one(s)? Best to say, however open we say we are, there is certainly still a slight conservative attitude in every single person in every inch of this world.

We demand a better future but how can we achieve so if we are too rigid in listening to others? We say we are better but our actions and sayings show that we are not so!

Optimism never stand alone. Optimism comes with trust and confident, security and honesty, support and encouragement.

So now, what is the odds of you thinking that you are always a better person than me??



| i dont give a fucking damn! |