Max Never Left

Photo courtesy of F1 official instagram page

4th Oct 2026, Bahrain GP came to Sepang International Circuit.

Did you watch it earlier today? If you didnt, then you had missed a whole bunch of chaotic drama, adeventure and thrills! 

Go watch the race, in full the better! 😍

Conclusion: The legends are still the legends.

I was oncall. Added in the wait for the delayed race, it was nerve wrecking already.

Then followed by the haywire formation lap, it went funny with several having software failures.

Anything that could happened, did happened. 

My old heart couldnt take that much of adrenaline surge in a short period of time. The palpitation was worst than 5 cups of coffees per day could have given me. Phew. 

Heck it was fun and enjoyable to see so many overtakings happened in a single race.

Max won, Lewis took P3. In MALAYSIA pulak tu. After sooooo long of Max didnt win any GP. After that many years F1 had left SIC. 

Happynya lah hai. Syukur. Memberi kebahagiaan sebentar tatkala oncall di hari Ahad. 😁

~ simply lovely ~

Second

Sometimes i dont even know what i want.

No. Actually i know what i want. I want to be genuinely loved, chosen and cared for. I want to be picked amongst other options. I want to be someone's priority. I want to be wanted. I want to be the consistency in someone's life.

Sadly..

Im always the second thought. The next plan. The maybe. The only if.

~ 2 ~

Lost

~ are we lost, or are we just wandering? ~

Puasa, Raya

Selamat berpuasa.

Selamat hari raya.

Sekali harung. Senang. Benda boleh mudah, kenapa nak susah?

~ busy bakar kek lapis ~

Rapid Year

This year's January felt so short. Unlike last year, where January was so draggy. Im not sure where I lost all the time this year, but Alhamdulillah anyway.

Kicked off the new year with a whole family vacation. Gonna end this year with another one big travel that is always closest at heart, inshaAllah.

So, in between those ends, I really have to figure out some other plans for myself, to keep my sanity at check. Short escape? Brief de-humanize? Temporary disappearance? Tengok la macam mana. Raya pun dah near middle of the year. All timeframe feels so singkat.

Meanwhile, Ramadhan is just barely 2.5 weeks away. And this year rasa tak ready betul. Rasa iman dah makin goyah. Banyak benda lagha gamaknya ni. Haih. Tu la kot masa rasa 'tak berkat'.

Ah ngantok.

~ bye ~

2026

I have sooooo much to write.

But i dont know how and where to begin.

11 days into the new year.

6 days after turning to new age

It is very true. 

That the days are long. But the years are short.

Sigh. I miss you.

"Have you settled in?"

~ Ramadhan is coming ~

C'est la vie

2025 is coming to its end. I am not going to judge myself too hard this time. Ive done my best. Barely surviving, but I still survive. Alhamdulillah.

Hitting 41 soon, and I am getting better at ignoring people who doesnt bring any positive impact into my life, kudos to myself. 

Some people are meant to be forgiven and forgotten, not because they deserve the apology, but because I deserve a peaceful life. 

Such people who had cause me heartache, broken trust, mended confidence, and lead me to question my own sanity, are merely some noise within my frequency. They are not worthy of anything bigger than just my little sigh and whine.

I have to recover myself slowly, in term of financial capacity too. That trip to Turkey for 3, robbed me massively. But Im glad I did it with my parents. They deserve that good break. I can always get back my savings, but time passed, is forever lost. Parents are getting older, in fact I am getting older too. Praying hard that Allah makes things easy and sufficient for me, so I can give back at my best of ability.

Here to ending 2025 with humility. 

Ive lost some, Ive gained some. C'est la vie.

Till we meet again in 2026. I am heading for my end of year vacation in peace, inshaAllah.

Assalammualaikum.

~ as such ~

Ghost Visitors

I have my blog traffic checked multiple times. There seems to be some ghosts trafficking in and out on certain days, hitting on few keywords etc.

However, several IPs are quite unique and consistently coming.

So... "Is it me you are looking for?" 

Ngehehehehehehe

~ hellowwwww ~

I Did It

 

9th Nov, I did my 10km walk. 5km in the morning. Another 5km before maghrib. Puas hati aku. I just walked. Not forcing too much. Keeping the pace at just 11. Soaking in the sunlight, listening to birds chirps and humans echoes.

The next day, I couldnt care less because work schedule was hectic already. And today, I forced myself to do the leg and glutes 20mins workout at home, before I hit the road.

Lets hope petang nanti cuaca sedap. I was supposed to go for a 5km jog yesterday after work. Tapi sampai2 rumah at 530pm, I took a nap till just before maghrib. Tah kenapa longlai ya amat.

So I will make the jog today. Moh la kita. Hidup ni, kalau tak dipaksa, tak menjadi la dik.

This is for after-50-year-old me. Semoga after 50, I can still walk hundreds of km per week still and see the world I wanna see.

~ did you enjoy Interlagos over the weekend? I did!!!! ~

Refocussing

I miss having the courage and discipline. Lately, I have been slacking so much on my health journey. Forced myself to briskwalk 5km yesterday and the best pace was only 10. Haih, penat je I built up my pace several months ago. Slacking few weeks, terus ke laut jadinya, as if kena start from zero semula.

Begitulah kehidupan. We gain some, we lose some. Work schedule was very hectic recently. I arranged myself at least one weekend oncall per month, to help a little with the burdened department. Ikutkan, I dont have to do weekends anymore. Sigh.

It is time to refocus on myself. I remember roughly a year ago, I was out and about almost everyday, clocking in 5-7km daily. It wasnt just for physical benefits but I greatly had positive impacts on my mental health too.. Being consistent was the key. I seriously couldnt agree more. 

Nowadays, I think Im deteriorating. My mental capacity is lowering and staggering badly. My attention span is worsening too.

So, this is a promise to myself - to get back on track. We start tomorrow morning. Hahahahahhahaachummmmmm....

~ mimpi itu percuma dik... ~

Where Dream Speaks

I had a busy weekend.

Oncalled on Thursday, postcalled on Friday and head straight for the Royal Medic Escort as early as 9am.

The Royal official visit shedule was packed but bearable. On the roads, formal dinners, event officiations, meet and greets, an impromptu briskwalk even, and etc. Had to excuse myself 1 day earlier before the Royal escort duty finish, because I have to oncall on Sunday. Such is life. Punya susah nak carik orang gantikan oncall.

Surprisingly, that Sunday call was the best. For that 24 hours, there were only 2 cases (1 LSCS and 1 I&D for Bartholin cyst). I managed to grab a good 4 hours of sleep from 10am-2pm. A good undisturbed sleep, IN OT!

I had a dream, of someone so close to my heart. The dream felt so real. The greeting, the look of the eyes, the feelings, the touch, the conversation we had, they all felt so real. It brought joy and sadness at the same time.. Bangun2, rasa nak sambung mimpi. I long for that meet up, I long for that walk about, I long for that conversation.

Sigh.

~ longing ~

Fearing Allah

I made a quick stop at a mall for my dinner during my oncall day today.

Went to perform my maghrib prayer afterwards at the mall's top level. I decided to just sit in the praying room while waiting for isya. About 5mins before isya, a young lady came in. 

She rushed to the seat next to me and tiba-tiba dia cakap, "Assalammualaikum kak, berapa minit lagi ye nak isya?". Aku jawab la "dalam 5minit lagi."

Then she took off her lanyard, her hijab, and went to perform her ablution as fast as she could, and came back next to me, pakai telekung and bentang her sejadah.

Then she asked me again, "berapa minit lagi ye kak?". I replied "3minit."

Then she looked soooo sad and said "erm tak sempat, tak ape la..."

I said to her "eh boleh je solat, selagi you angkat takbir sebelum masuk waktu next solat, Allah terima, inshaAllah. You kerja tadi kan, bukan sengaja lewat-lewatkan solat, kan?". 

Dia angguk, and terus senyum. Then she performed her maghrib prayer calmly..

There I was. Cemburu tengok adik semuda itu (aku rasa dia baru 22-23 kot) kecewa dengan diri sendiri bila tak mampu solat pada waktunya. Sumpah aku cemburu pada anak muda yang menjaga solatnya pada ketika usia yang mudah tewas dihasut dek bisikan hiburan dan setan. 

What did I do when I was at such a young age? Haih. Jahilnya aku. Menyesal tak sudah. Dulu-dulu waktu solat pun tak jaga elok-elok. Sighhhhhhh.

Semoga adik tadi istiqomah dalam perjuangan ibadahnya. 

Hidup ni kadang2 rasa terkejar-kejar dengan tuntutan dunia. Up to a point that we can easily forget that yang mengizinkan kita masih ada lagi kat dunia ni, Allah jua..

So how can we put something else first, before our own Almighty Creator?

~ may Allah have mercy on me, on us ~

Not Belonged

There is always beauty in feeling not belonged

I am always searching for home

Whoever or wherever that made me at peace

Is my home

Thats is where I will always feel belonged

For now, I am not settled

I dont feel belonged - just yet

I am here

Here

~ :) ~

Fighting The Blues

Thursday, I was terribly moody. I slept from 6.45pm till the next day 7am. Forced myself to stay in bed. Forced myself to switch the brain off, eliminating most of the negative frequencies. Mumbled my zikr continuously, asking for His forgiveness cause I knew only Him can ease the discomfort and ache that the soul was experiencing the whole day and night.

Woke up on Friday feeling fatigue but somehow satisfied after the turbulent night. Pushed myself for a 7km walk after work, just to enjoy some sightseeing of the city at the beginning of a weekend. Everywhere was crowded. But I feel at peace at my own thought and pace amongst the bustling crowd. Alhamdulillah.

Im glad I took the courage to complete that 7km.. But surely, because Allah allowed so.

Hit the hospital early this morning for a draggy 24 hours shift. Berbekalkan spanish latte, I felt all smile and positive. InshaAllah.

~ taking a sharp turn ~

Monza The Temple of Speed

Last weekend was superb! From qualifying to race, Mega Max made it so memorable this year. After no podium since ?Imola, Monza is full redemption for Max. But hearing the tifosi singing loudly for Max on podium was giving goosebumpsssss.

Fastest qualifying lap, fastest race. Max to win this year's driver championship is extremely difficult for sure. But he surely is making more histories for himself.

Ahhh Im beyond happy the whole weekend. Malam yang tidak sia-sia hehehehe

~ some freaks are extremely just adding noise to my quiet life, urghhh ~

Narcissist

Day in day out. Same shits different days.

I think I have been distracted quite much lately. Too focussing on others that bring no add on benefits into my previously peaceful life. Too much nonsense.

Sigh. I admit to my own mistakes - being too kind and optimist on people, expecting everybody would have the similar vibe in them. But no! Definitely, not everyone knows how to be kind. Many are deceitful, manipulative and egocentric. Several are true narcissists. This time, I met someone with such strong narcissistic values. And it was tormenting. And fucking dreadful.

There is clearly nothing can be done about any narcissists. They cant be helped at all. We can only run, as far as we can, away from this type of assholes. Save our own ass before they bring ultimate misery into our lives.

I cant even wish them well, to be honest. I hope they stay miserable by themselves because clearly, they are just inhumane.

~ disgusted ~

Time Lost

I was at work and scrolling through "memories" section in facebook.

There they were, many albums of my nephews and niece, over the past many years.

I miss cuddling each of them. I miss their smells when they were little. I miss kissing their cheeks at anytime they get closer to me. I miss hugging them tenderly while they enjoy babbling languages that I couldnt understood. I just miss them being so little.

And then, it hit me hard.

This is how bad my parents must be missing me too. The little me. The innocent me. The chatty me. The fun me. The cute me. 

The me thats missing my little nephews and niece were both happy and sad. My heart feels heavy.

This is how my parents are feeling too. This heavy heart. This exact same emotions.

May Allah rewards rewards my parents with the highest of Jannah.

~ life cycle ~

Kocong not Kucing

 

Kenapa awak ni comel sangat ni. Midlife crisis ke sayang? "Im not Kucing. Im Kocong" hahahahaha cuteeeeee cat!!!!!

~ i wish im not scared of cat ~

Relentless

It has been slightly over 2 weeks of me not visiting here. Im not sure why. Maybe coz I have a better distraction? Or maybe coz I am at a better state? Or am I at my worst phase?

I cant be sure myself. But here I am. Thinking what to write while the mind feels suffocated.

You know what, Im done.

~ resenting? ~

Hari Ini Penuh Emosi

Sepertinya masa mengengsot terlalu perlahan. Lebih perlahan daripada sedetik detik, ketika dada terbeban berat menahan rasa ketidakpastian.

Ada apa dengan semua rasa keterlambatan ini? Kenapa hari ini berbondong-bondong muncul segala yang kurang enak di jiwa di kepala?

Masa yang panjang ini terlalu padat dengan istilah alangkah.

Berlawan dengan kosa kata kalaulah.

Seolahnya segala jisim diri memberontak tidak sabar menemui dinihari. Namun, kegelapan, kesunyian jua yang sebenarnya damai di sanubari yang sedang di acah teka teki.

Sungguh, secebis kemusnahan rasa percaya bisa mengoyakkan seluruh kudrat yang susah payah dibina semula. 

Mengapa tidak hari ini berlalu sepantas hilangnya kepercayaan yang pernah ada?

~ dunia 😔 ~