Spring-ing

Spring is here.

In Japan, cherry had blossomed well and coming to their end at certain districts mostly sparing the north.

And at a side note, the first 4 GPs were done. This weekend is Jeddah's. Bahrain was the toughest on Max. Kasihan. But the season just began.

Anyhu, begs are re-packed and we are ready to go!

IST, soon.

~  nah bunga 💐 ~

Marriage and Divorce

Recently, I have been the ears to listen to some heartbreaking story of divorced couples.

Subhanallah memang patut Islam membenci perceraian. Tidaklah haram. Namun, the impact it has on many sides is way beyond comprehension.

Betul lah, choosing a life partner is your next biggest task after maintaining your tauhid dan akidah. 

Seumur hidup itu lama - yes, semua orang bercita-cita to be married forever. Nonetheless, tidak semua dapat rezeki for such smooth sailing in marriage. Berantakan tengah jalan, porak peranda anak beranak. For so many reasons, for so many factors - from petty to unimaginable causes. 

But all in all, apabila sudah tiada ihsan dalam hubungan, tiada kesepakatan dalam mempertahankan apa yang pernah ada, couples go separate ways. Paling sedihnya apabila ada anak-anak yang akan terkesan sama.

Saat manis berkasih sayang, semua nampak indah, semua dikata mudah. Saat dah berpisah, isu sekecil-kecilnya jadi ungkitan, jadi sesalan, jadi bualan.

Jadi yang dahulu dipertahanakan, tidak ikhlas kah? Bukan dahulu dihadap daripada rasa kasih kah? Kenapa yang dahulu mampu diterima, tiba-tiba diungkap menjadi punca?

Wallahi, marriage scares me. Deep inside, I know I can love with all my might. But love alone is never enough for a sustainable marriage. It is never just about love. It comes with its whole package - hard work, effort, passion etc you name it all. Semua kena ada.

They say with the right person, things will be easy, it goes without forcing. Yet kenapa apabila berpisah, kebanyakannya jadi haru biru? Aint we got married to the person we once thought was our right person? 

Honesly in my dumb opinion, to maintain a marriage, at times, we need force too. The force to keep it going. 

Memaksa diri masing-masing untuk menjadi lebih saling memahami saat rasa cinta semakin mendatar. Saling menerima saat segala ujian terasa mengkhianati rasa. 

Demi terus untuk bertolak ansur dan akhirnya terus berkasih sayang. Really, it is a hard work for both ends.

Senjata terkuat kita, tetaplah agama dan iman kita. Berpaksilah kepada titik sebenar mengikut ajaran Islam - may Allah make it easy, for He and only Him could ease everything.

~ t = -6 ~

My Closure

My closure is this. -
I will never know 
If i did mean anything to you
If your love was real? And if so, how could you be so cruel to me?
I will never know how you did it
I kept asking how why how and why
Till it drove me crazy but 
I came to peace that 
I will never know 
But i will always know 
My love was real
My heart was real 
My affection 
My gentleness
My sincerity was real 
I will always know what i felt was real 
Regardless of how it ended. 
How you acted.
I was real.
That’s my closure. 
 
- Metanoia

~ i was real ~

Natural Body Odour

Do you still recall your favourite person's body smell? Not their perfume scent, but their natural body odour.

Could you recall how the smell made you feel each time they get close to you? 

It aint fetish of any sort, but it is our cognitive way of recalling our memory, especially our loved ones. The smell makes the memory more vivid.

~ could you recall mine? 😅 ~

Turkey

In 2 weeks time, I will be flying off to Turkey, InshaAllah. May Allah ease. May Allah shower me with His peace, finding solitude within His endless amazing creations. Cant wait for the adventure to begin.

~ life is too short to mourn just about you ~

It Is Okay

If you’ve accepted that it’s over and still miss them, know that it’s okay. Healing isn’t about forgetting; it’s about learning to live with the memories without letting them control you. You can miss someone and still know they weren’t meant to stay. You can look back on what you had with love, even if it ended in pain. Missing them doesn’t mean you’re weak, and it doesn’t mean you should go back—it simply means they were a part of your story, and letting go takes time.  

But remember this: missing them is just a feeling, not a reason to reopen a closed door. You are allowed to feel, but don’t let nostalgia trick you into rewriting the past. There’s a reason it ended, and there’s a future waiting for you beyond what was. Let yourself miss them, but also remind yourself that you deserve a love that stays, grows, and chooses you every single day. Keep moving forward—one day, missing them won’t feel so heavy anymore.

— Balt Rodriguez

Maturity At Its Best

I have been here for long - since 2009. But prior to blogspot domain, I had my blogging posts parked in 'Friendster' for years (gosh, do YOU even know about this vintage social media's name? Well now it is called Facebook!). 

Then, when Friendster was diminished and changed to Facebook, their blogging platforms got deactivated and my posts could not be recalled or archived at all. My silly mistake was not being bothered enough to transfer all those posts into another domain during that closing period. 

As far as I could remember, my posts in that platform were a lot more lively, and full of travelling experience. Zaman mula study dekat UK. Zaman torrent Jwg network paling upscale dengan pantas - semua rasa macam satu family. Zaman aku gila jadi online DJ dekat Jwg torrent site. Zaman penuh kerasukan ablasa. Hahahaha tenat. Masa tu aku sezaman dengan Cik Epal dan Keknis - they were the kings/queens of bloggers and we were quite the 'in-network', tapi rajin hi-bye je la kat posts comments or blogsite chatbox masing-masing. 

When I put this blog into hiatus in 2022, all those statistics showed that there was quite a number of unique visitors coming into this blog of mine, viewing my old posts. This trend slowed down after the hiatus. 

Anybody looking for me? Eceh. Perasan. But honestly, if YOU are reading this, and if YOU were the one(s) coming here looking for my updates every now and then, this is for you. 

 ---- How are you? How is life treating you? Tough? Smooth sailing? Rollercoaster-ing? 

Well, maybe we are on the same boat. Life isnt getting any easier. But I get better in dealing with the 'not easier(s)'.

Tonight, is malam ke 22 Ramadhan. Tiba-tiba I had this urge to read quickly through the old pages, dated from 2009.

Funny how I could see my posts 'maturing'. Being more vulnerable and honest to my own feelings. Tho becoming less articulating and less active in publishing, I saw myself being more accepting. The old me sounded so frank, but there were untold hollows, sounded fun but werent as exposed. 

Lah kelakar. Segmen meng-skodeng abang bomba di Leicester tetap terpahat dalam hati. Hobi di kala sunyi, sayup melontar sepi pandangan kat tepi tingkap condo. Eh, tah-apa-apa.

But anyhu, I hope you are doing good too. Not great, but good, is good enough. Geddit? 😅 

I guess people in this era have move away from blogging. They choose X, Instagram, Thread, FB etc etc over this more lengthy style of writing. 

Nampak tak, sebenarnya manusia dah semakin malas membaca? That is from my POV. Zaman ni, kalau boleh, readers nak semua in bullet points je. No more such artsy side of explaining and enganging with readers. No more fancy vocabs yang enak dibaca, sambil difahami.

People wants simpler methods, yet life is getting more complex than ever.

But hey, you do you. Whatever suits you, hoomans.

I think I am liking this come back slowly. Letting me ease my head's noise once in a while. 

So, hello kembali. I am back. Nah bunga 💐

~ hujan lebat, selebat 'patah perkataan' yang aku tuliskan ~

Seculit Tanah

40 of age, indefinite sins, countless blessings.

Tetapi begitulah. Manusia. Oftenly, kita sibuk menangisi kesedihan, terbawa-bawa duka dunia. Sedangkan dunia ini memang bukannya tempat bersenang lenang. Entah apa lagi yang kita cari. Sebenarnya kita ni mudah kufur nikmat - lupa membanding diri dengan insan yang lebih susah daripada kita.

We got roof over our head, clothes snuggling nicely, food that is enough to kill hunger, cukup sifat di badan, cukup sihat luar dalaman, apa lagi? 

Nikmat Allah yang manakah lagi yang nak kita dustakan?

Apa lah sangat nak dicerita sedih kita putus cinta, berbanding sedihnya perasaan ibu bapa yang kehilangan anak yang dah 9 bulan dalam kandungan. 

Apa lah sangat nak dijaja duka kita tak mampu bercuti merentas dunia, berbanding mereka yang lahir tak punya kaki yang sempurna.

Kenapa tidak dibanding diri seadil kadarnya orang di sekeliling? Yes, because each of us is greedy. Kita nak merasa cukup semua.

We are searching for almost a perfection, yet deep down we know we are nothing more than just a simple creation that owns nothing - not even a single strand of hair, even not a unit of cell, is ours to begin with.

~ kita hanya seculit tanah ~

Dealing With Healing

Nobody ever say that healing is easy. It is not a one off journey. 

This pattern of emotional recovery is perhaps similar to a chronic pain spectrum.

We are bound to go to and fro relapses and remissions, visiting old wound or pain, then drying it off temporarily until a point where we can bear with the background threshold of discomfort, in order to sustain a good-enough maintenance of daily activities.

The same applies to healing from a broken relationship. Human relationship, to be exact.

There are days that we believe that things happen for the better. Some days we whine because we know we do not deserve to be hurt like that. But to err is human. 

We swallow the hardship on good days. But nonetheles, when life seems like shit, we can only indulge the darkness of past memories.

Maybe, we dont actually miss the person that had left us. We miss the good times that made us smile. The potentials, the fantasies and the future projections, are embedded by our own hope, our own dreams, not solely because of that temporary individual.

Again, maybe, we need to remind ourselves - do we not recall the time we suffered emotionally, when they refused to be accountable of the misery they caused us? Do we forget how painful it was to wait for uncertainties? Do we not remember how they could simply turned away just to avoid vulnerability?

If they dare to do so upon us, leaving us in the lowest pitfalls intentionally, do we still think that such person deserves the slightest unconditional love from us?

Love doesnt need to be begged. 

Love is supposed to be built and embraced together by two different souls that share similar principles, beliefs and efforts. Two souls that is willing to meet halfways on difficult differences, yet agree to disagree respectfully on certain matters.

Such, is love. 

Remeber, love doesnt need to be begged.

~ one step at a time ~

Today

Today feels dark

Despite all the light

Today feels lost

Despite all the new find

Today feels hollow

Despite all the full heart

Today is just another day

Where I am revisiting the square 1

Another struggle to remain strong

Another struggle to remain forgiving

Today feels heavy

Because I miss seeing myself hopeful

I miss seeing myself witty

I miss seeing myself happy

This too, shall pass

This is just another day

Just today

I promise

~ healing ~